Thursday morning, somewhere in June. I’m sitting in the study, surfing the net, when suddenly the doorbell rings. I open the door and there is a friendly looking lady. ‘Hi, I’m Jopie!’ I introduce myself and she walks in. ‘O, would you like to sit down in the study, I was just finishing up some work’, I say. She sits down and we start to talk. Desperately trying to ask some smart questions about her coming, she says: ‘I guess the pastor should be here any moment’. And then I know! We are meeting to discuss a little booklet that we’re going to publish with all the church activities of the coming year. A sigh of relief. ‘Yes, she’ll be here in a second’. I make some coffee and we sit down in the garden.

For 13 years, I haven’t used an agenda and have always been sort of ok with it. I always found them a bit of a bother. First of all, you have to keep it up-to-date. Second, you have to stick to it! ‘Of course!’ you might think. ‘Your life is very chaotic without it!’ I admit, there has been some related chaos and disruption, but up to 6 months ago, life was simple enough and with ample space for spontaneity and time to deal with the unprepared surprises.

We had a very effective meeting (the Dutch are so good at that… :-) and planned a few dates. This time, I was not going to make any more mistakes. I electronized the appointments! You see, Gerco put an app on our phone so that we can have our calendars synchronized. We put all appointments in the phone, that sends them to the computer and we can keep up with all our going ins and going outs. So I typed them in, we said goodbye and see you next time!

When I started teaching in March, I got my first agenda again. To be honest, I didn’t really know how to work with it anymore! Where do I write the appointments, do I check every day what I should do that week? It sounds very ridiculous for an adult woman with four kids, but it took me a few weeks before I got the hang of it. Then I broke my foot. Bye agenda, straight in the recycle box!

During summer break, good friends from Germany came over to visit for a few days. One night, we had just finished barbecuing, the doorbell rang again! It was Jopie, second meeting! This time, I couldn’t keep up appearances, I told them that I had completely forgotten about it and unfortunately we had to cancel it. I was completely in shock that the phone calendar had let me down so much. Next day, the dentist calls. I had forgotten my appointment and if could please pay 25 Euros ‘you forgot your appointment penalty’. I remember bragging about putting the dates in my phone at my last appointment!

Not understanding at all what was going on, I realized that I had typed the dates and times in the phone, but had always forgotten to save them. And once you rely on technology, your internal agenda goes straight out of order. Whether it was a well trained one or not… So with my mind messed up and Ical calendar not up-to-date, I was a bit in a time and appointment warp. Fortunately it was holiday and we didn’t have too many very important, not to be forgotten things going on anymore.

Around the end of August I knew that we were going to have an other meeting again. One evening, after putting the kids in bed, I was just telling Gerco that I should find out which night it was going to be, when again the doorbell rang. It was Jopie! This time, I had gotten very trained in pretending that I knew exactly what was going on and Gerco acted along just fine. The only thing that might have betrayed my negligence might have been the cake that Julian had sat on in the supermarket. It was the only thing that I could offer them.

I started teaching at an other school last week. It’s very organized and asks for lots of discipline. Quite a challenge for me, you’d say! Again, I had to get used to the agenda, writing everything down and act according to it. I still don’t like to be ruled by it, but hey, that’s life in The Netherlands! Then I was asked to teach a bunch of 12-year-olds on how to use their agenda. Never have I felt more incapable and unsuitable for teaching something before!

There’s so much to learn….

In Warsaw you could buy real flowers that were painted puff girl pink or psychedelic green. The original was obviously not good enough.

If you don’t like complaining, better not read this. I just got back from taking the children to school. It was not the best morning ever, mildly said. And when I walked back home, I was thinking again on how I can improve the morning rituals, have them in bed earlier, not let them have too much sugar, how I can change my attitude so that there is a positive atmosphere at home, that I should get them new shoes, that I have to be clearer about how I want things to happen etc, etc. And I’m having the same thoughts on how I need to change things about my work, my marriage, my house and garden.

It seems that everything always needs improvement. And I’m sick and tired of that. Not that I don’t want to be responsible and do my best, but it never seems to be enough.

The law says, the bible says, the neighbour says, my friends do things like this, my parents always did it like that. Commercialism tells you that your life is horrible if you don’t have a flat screen tv, or that all your problems will be solved once your walls are painted purple. Fashion even manages to change your personal taste every other few months! Then there are the results of scientific research that constantly ask for change: Get dark curtains, because light pollution increases the risk of breast cancer. Don’t let the kids watch tv more than 2 hours a day or play violent games, it might turn them into little serial killers. Use olive oil instead of normal, blah, blah, blah.

I have my personal motives that tell me to be kind, do the right thing, be efficient and forgiving. Faith plays a big part in it. An inner conviction that there is only one right way to believe, do things and live your life. That you should always strive for better. Threats of darkness, judgement and isolation if you don’t. In the end, we are all awful sinners and need change. You’d better “Read your bible, pray every day, if you want to grow”.

But I need a brake from it all. I’m going to take the days as they come and not beat myself up anymore if it doesn’t go the way it’s supposed to. I am completely fed up with growing, I just want to pray and read my bible to find comfort in what God is like.

I want to enjoy and deal with things the way they originally are. And that’s it.